I think i’ve realised why I dont feel I could blog on a regular basis. Not only because I choose to blog when I feel I want to put my thoughts onto ‘paper’, but also because in order to blog regularly I guess there needs to be an element of organisation. What I mean by this is that regular bloggers I have encountered are able to choose a topic or a thought and isolate the post to be solely centred on that topic. I, however, am truly terrible at sticking to one thought, and so I think my blogs tend to be more of a ‘word splurge’ than of any clear structure. I wish that I could choose one thing to write about, and focus my thoughts onto that topic only, but that’s not how my brain works. I suppose if I tried to regulate my blogs so that they were structured and point-focused, I would be presenting a misrepresentation of how I think.
My experiences of mental health have led me to struggle to control the direction my thoughts move in, for example I often feel I have to write really quickly before the idea in my head ‘falls out’. Is that something alot of people experience? The lack of ‘structure’ of my thoughts is something that I guess is quite pivotal in the way in which anxiety manifests itself within me (note I chose not to say my anxiety). At my worst, I would get so frustrated that I couldn’t just write an essay like everyone else, I couldnt just put my mind to something and ‘do it’. I felt like I could not hold onto a coherent thought long enough to consciously acknowledge it.
The reason this concept of anxiety has been brought to my attention is because I’ve recently acquired a strange sleeping pattern. Ironically, previously on this blog I mentioned how much I love to sleep and escape reality. However almost as if the posting of that blog was a trigger, I have really struggled to sleep and further to stay asleep. I am aware this is a symptom of depression but it isn’t one I’ve particularly encountered before, most commonly I struggled not to fall asleep and to get out of bed. Anyway, I’m particularly restless recently, and so rather than allowing myself to get worked up and frustrated, I decided to record how I felt. It’s funny because I almost dont remember writing this, possibly because my mind was finally beginning to rest and allow me to sleep after I’d offered my mind a physical outlet through writing:
Time: 23:02 (Incase you’re wondering, I’m usually asleep by this time – I am not a night owl).
Physical feelings: Agitated, can’t sleep, hot, breathing uneasy, headache, sniffing, ears ring.
Just quickly interrupting my past self here, but I just wanted to highlight that I’m not unwell with a virus or anything – this I hope demonstrates how anxiety physically alters my body state.
Known cause?: Not particularly, unless unconsciously worrying about my path after graduating.
Mentality: Unwanted thoughts – 1 topic in particular. Anxious about tomorrow and being too tired but too restless now. Feel ‘on the brink’, cant organise thoughts coherently, head feels fuzzy. Just feel uneasy and wrong. Very panicky.
‘Fuzzy head’ is a phrase that I’ve coined over the past few years to describe how I start to feel if I’m anxious. Again, I don’t think it adequately explains the feeling, because I cant seem to find any words which are sufficient to portray the feeling to someone who hasn’t experienced it before. The fuzzy head is the concept that clouds my judgment, causes my agitation and, I believe, is somewhat responsible for my decline in academia in my second year. I don’t think a blog is probably the best place to turn to try and establish what exactly ‘fuzzy head’ means, because blogs require words and words are not adequate for ‘fuzzy head’. I’ll give it my best shot though.
Fuzzy head [fu-zee-hed]
- Thoughts are far from coherent
- Head ache, mostly around the temples but can be more central
- Increase in body temperature
Thoughts are somewhat ‘stuck in the moment’
Here’s to hoping for a good nights sleep.