I’m not sure who i’m writing this for; myself, others struggling with similar demons to myself or those that are (unintentionally) ignorant to the demons that exist in modern society. I think i’m predominantly writing this for my own piece of mind. I’ve always been much better at writing than speaking, so I figure that whenever I want to talk about something, but lack the verbal coherence, i’ll turn to this blog. As a result of this personal vent, maybe just one person might read this and take comfort in the fact that I too am fighting demons, and that there is someone out there who is experiencing similar things to themselves.
If just one person feels comforted by this blog, or can identify in some way, then that is achievement enough for me. If this blog provides myself with even the slightest sense of relief, then again that will be an achievement for me, because that’s something I crave: relief. I suppose everyone can remember a situation where they have felt a huge sense of relief; where their shoulders physically relax, their thoughts clear and they become grounded again following a large exhale. For many, this sense of relief follows a potentially negative situation; perhaps the relief felt when passing an exam, when avoiding a scalding from a parent, or when finding someone/something you thought was lost. For myself, I crave relief all day every day, and more often than not I am left disappointed. This is because I suffer with depression and generalised anxiety disorder. For many years now, I have desperately searched for a relief from these mental bullies, and for many years i have struggled to find one. Of course, like most things, my mental bullies are occasionally beaten by an ounce of rationality that is willing to fight. However, this victory is scarce and short lived. I truly believe that i can beat my bully, but in order to do that I need to build a large ‘army’ of rationality that is willing to fight my irrational thoughts to the death. Things die, people, cells, plants, animals, so why can’t thoughts be put to bed? Well i believe they can with perseverance, so that is essentially the purpose of this blog. I hope that this blog will provide myself with enough evidence that I am strong, and I am more than depression and anxiety. A professional once told me that “the unconscious mind is stronger than the conscious will”. With this in mind, I’m going to start tackling the bullies that rule my unconscious until my unconscious mind and my conscious will are both rooting for happiness. I want this blog to help me see the day where i stop saying “my depression”, where I stop saying “but what if..” and start living my life as any twenty-something should.
If, by doing this, I have to be brutally honest, then so be it. If by doing this I have to release my darkest, most dangerous thoughts into the open, then so be it. If by doing this I help someone else who may have stumbled across this blog, then fantastic. If you are likely to be triggered by this blog, then please I ask you to stop reading now, because that is not my intent at all. I actually hope to give these bullies a voice, so others can begin to understand, and so I can eventually leave the bullies trapped behind this screen, within this blog, never to be uncovered again.
I don’t know yet if I will even make this blog public, but if I have then hello, and thank you for still reading. I hope you can try to understand my world. I am not crazy, i am not a psycho, I am a human being who has a huge amount of empathy, care and passion. I hope that if you are reading this with little insight into mental health, this might help you to begin to understand that mental health is just important as physical health, and that the taboo must be abolished if we as a species are to continue to strive.
Wish me luck. X